Case Study - Amazing Grace

Amazing Grace

Case Study: Carolyn "Allen"

 I was 24 years old, and had recently had sex for the first time—outside of marriage.  I had grown up in a Christian home and was already ashamed and ambivalent about my sexual relationship.  Then I got pregnant right off the bat. 

I had a pregnancy test at my doctor. and she told me she didn't think I was pregnant.  She thought I might have a tumour, because my uterus was enlarged.  I "prayed" for cancer.  But I turned out to be pregnant; I found out the next day. 

I was panic stricken.  I couldn't believe I was pregnant.  I immediately blurted out, "I have to have an abortion."  I had never even thought about it before, but that was the first thing that came to mind.  I told my boyfriend I was pregnant, but we didn't discuss what to do.  I left him just assuming I would have the baby. 

I told no one else.  I had asked my doctor for sleeping pills until I could have the abortion four days later; I don't think they worked.  I didn't want to think; I just wanted to get it over with. 

I wondered if my baby knew what I was planning.  I talked to my baby and apologized.  But mainly I just wanted it to be over.  I thought I could cover my sin, erase the past few months, break off my relationship with the father, and start over—just as though none of it had ever happened. 

My abortion was a cowardly, selfish decision.  I saw it as my whole life being "over" if I stayed pregnant.  I didn't even consider any other options.  I chose myself over the baby. 

When I woke up in recovery, I asked if they would just tell me if it was a boy or a girl.  A nurse harshly responded, "It's just tissue.  There's no way to tell." 

I took a cab to the hospital and took one home.  I wanted to do it all by myself, so no one would know.  I felt so alone. 

I felt a huge, gaping hole, an emptiness, right away.  I also felt terrible guilt.  I turned away from God completely, because I could not face Him with my abortion.  I felt I had passed the point of no return—just gone too far.  That was an unforgivable sin.  And I had gone into it knowing that.  It was sort of like I sold my soul. 

I immediately began a pretence.  I went back to work ("I was just a little under the weather last week," etc.)  I tried hard not to think about it. 

He was abusive, and I accepted it.  I would hear in my mind, "So what's your problem?  At least he didn't kill you.  You killed your baby!" 

I wanted to die, but I was afraid of hell.  I even felt guilty about not committing suicide: "You didn't have any problem killing your baby.  Why get cold feet now?  You deserve to die!  You're not only a murderer, you're a coward!"  I wanted to be in a coma.  I guess I thought I could wake up in 50 years or so and be able to deal with it then. 

The abortion changed me in every way.  I went from being an outgoing person who loved friends to being a hermit, not wanting to be close to anyone.  I thought they would hate me if they really knew me.  I became a heavy drinker—probably bordered on becoming an alcoholic.  I ran from God and hated myself.  I accepted abuse and felt humiliated over that, and all the while I had this gnawing emptiness.  For 12 years I was in a state of non-growth—just existing. 

http://www.afterabortion.org/rape.html